I am sorry,
my sweet little soul.

about last night, and everything I did after it

I had no right to say it like that.

You are not someone I get to say no to. That is not my place. I had no right to say it, and I am sorry for that before anything else.

You were right to get upset. I would have been too.

It came out as a no.
It started as fear.

The truth is that I got scared. That is all it was. I care about you so much. I cannot stand the thought of anything happening to you. Even thinking about it scares me, and I did not know how to stay calm with that feeling.

So it came out wrong. I said no, when what I really meant was I am scared for you, can we figure this out together. I care about you too much, and I let that turn into the worst words I could have picked.

So please hear both things at once. What I said was wrong, and it came from love. The second one does not cancel the first. I am not saying this so you let it go. I am saying it because I do not want you thinking, even for a second, that it came from a cold or controlling place.

And then I made it all about me.

You got upset, and of course you did. You had every right to. But instead of just taking it, I got hurt by how you reacted. I asked for time. I fought with you. Over something that was my fault in the first place.

That is the part I keep coming back to. I started it, and then I acted like the hurt one. I made my mistake your problem, and then I punished you for how you handled it.

And then it got worse. This is the part I still cannot forgive myself for.

• iI was rude to you, when you had done nothing to deserve it.
• iiI shouted at you. There is no way to make that okay.
• iiiI walked out and left, at night, in the middle of it all.
• ivI turned my phone off and went to sleep, while you were still awake with all of it, alone.

I am sorry for all of it, and most of all for being rude and for shouting at you. That was not a moment I lost control of. I picked those words, and I picked them badly. Nobody should talk to you like that. Not me. Not anyone.

And turning my phone off was me leaving you alone on purpose, right when you needed me most. I know how that must have felt. I am so sorry.

You are worthy.

I know there are days you feel like you are not. You have said it to me in small ways, and I have seen it in your eyes even when you did not say it. It hurts me every time, because you are so wrong about yourself in those moments.

You are worthy. You deserve everything. All the happiness in this world, and more that has not even been made yet. You are a sweet little soul, and everything around you feels softer because you are here.

And please do not take last night as proof of anything about you. It was never about you not being enough. It was me handling my fear badly, and then handling my ego even worse. You did nothing to deserve what I gave you.

• a thousand fights You are worth a thousand nights like the last one. If it takes a thousand more to get this right, I am here for all of them, and I am not walking out of a single one.
• every morning You are worth waking up for, every day, on the good ones and the hard ones. You are the first good thought I have when I open my eyes.
• staying You are worth staying for. Not just tonight, not just until this blows over. Always. I am not going anywhere, and I am not going quiet on you again.

Some days I am difficult.
I know that.

I am messed up in ways I am still working on, and some days I am hard to be around. Last night was one of those days. I am not going to pretend it was not, and I am not going to hide behind it either. It explains me. It does not excuse me.

But none of that changes how much I love you. What I did was wrong, and being wrong does not mean I love you any less. I love you too much. That is the one thing I was never confused about.

I am going to put everything I have into making sure my little girl is never hurt like that again, and never by me.

A pinky promise.

You have always believed in them, and so do I. Hold on to it until our pinkies hook.

• I promise I will never shout at you or be rude to you again. Not once.
• I promise that when something is my fault, I will not turn it into yours.
• I promise to take care of you and to be there, in the loud moments and the quiet ones.
• I promise to keep reminding you that you are worthy, until the day you believe me.

I am staying.

You do not have to be okay with me today. Take all the time you need. I am not asking you for anything this time, and I am not going anywhere while you take it.

You are worth a thousand fights like this one. You are worth waking up for every single day. You are worth staying for. Let me spend a long time proving all three.

with all of my love,Your Giraffe